Female Midlife Crisis

Midlife Crisis is usually associated with men, but did you know that women are just as likely to experience a midlife crisis? Did you also know that men and women who lead a purpose filled and fulfilling life, and are able to meet their own needs as well as their partners are less likely to experience a midlife crisis?

If a man works long hours, spends most of his free time with his family and doesn’t pursue his own interests he is a sitting duck and is in danger of going through the MLC?

Men get to a certain age and feel that life is passing them by. They can become fearful of aging, of becoming ill and less attractive to the opposite sex. They also are feeling that goals they have set just may never happen and death is not so far off anymore!

If a woman spends her days taking care of the kids, the house, the cooking and cleaning – putting everyone else’s needs before her own, and has no outside interest she also is in danger of the MLC. Women though, on the other hand find themselves at a certain age and realise they finally have the opportunity to do the things they have been putting off whilst taking care of the family. They see the kids have grown and they now have more time and more financial security to do the things they’ve been putting on hold. Experiencing the change of life can also cause her to question how she has lived her life and help her decide whether she should make the changes she’s always wanted.

A MLC goes through the same stages as all transitions; Shock, Denial, Depression, Anger and finally Acceptance. Some people transition through the stages smoothly; others will go back and forth, stuck in the middle three stages, until they finally get to acceptance.

Any crisis is an opportunity to grow and find positive outcomes. Take the MLC as the perfect time to find who you really are and unleash those hidden passions. Write the book, climb the mountain, learn a language, live in Italy for 6 months – the world is your oyster, so live your life.

Female midlife crisis? I prefer to think of it as “female midlife empowerment” and dive straight on in, show the younger generation just how it’s done.

Coaching Questions:

• What are 2 things that are on your “would love to do one day” list?
• What’s stopping you from getting started?
• If not now, when?

Extra Reading:

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1059032,00.html

Self Care

We can become very much like a computer with too many windows open, eventually something has to crash. So as you would log off and shut down your computer to allow it to reboot, you need to also do the same for yourself.

Much of what we have been taught has been centered on how to take care of others. Many of us have never been taught that in order to take care of others, we must pay as good attention to our own self-care. This is not about brushing your teeth, washing the clothes, keeping a tidy house. This includes taking time out, playfulness and fun, being creative, exercise, good nourishing diet, making the time to do what makes you truly happy. When we are feeling happy, whole, nourished, appreciated, energized we are in a much better position to then look after others.

We often feel pulled in every direction, as a friend, sister, mother, wife, partner, lover, employee, career, cleaner, there are so many hats we wear as women. One of the hardest things for us to say is “NO”, which is odd because we could say it easily when we were 2 years old but like many things, we are taught not to. So instead of trying to say NO more to others, when appropriate, try to say YES more to you.

Saying no does not make us a bad person, if anything it can be empowering and energizing. It can make us stop being the victim and feeling that we are only here to make everyone’s life run smoothly, forgetting the importance of our own needs.

If you are the type of person who finds it hard saying no, take the challenge and try it out. You may be able to delegate the job to someone else or offer guidance to the one asking. Let others respect your time and they can learn not to take you for granted. This does not mean that you need to say NO to everything, just choose what you want to do, without causing any resentment. Make yourself unavailable to others for a certain amount of time each week to spend time just for you. Take notice of how that makes you feel. Spreading your self too thinly does no one any good. Stop and smell the roses – you just may find a treasure you were not expecting.

Coaching question:

How well do you take care of yourself?

Do you feel guilty when you aren’t “doing” anything?

When was the last time you did something just because?

This month, find some ways to find a balance between taking care of you and a loved one so everyone's needs are met.

Too Nice or Just Too Soft?

We’ve all heard someone say and even said it ourselves “You’re just too nice.”

Think about that statement for a moment. Is that really true? Are you so nice that you allow people to walk over you and or your business?

Often being “too nice” is just taking the easy way out…..…steering clear of confrontation, not wanting to rock the boat! Is this “Too Nice” employer really doing the best thing – the nice thing for their staff, business and themselves? Or are they just deferring the inevitable disciplinary or under-performing warning that someone eventually needs to hear?

What would happen if an employer, parent, teacher, friend took the “too nice” option away and dealt with the issues as they arose? It would allow each party to confer and take appropriate action then and there. Being able to clear the air and allow for open communication. Perhaps there are underlying reasons that the employer is underperforming and a quick and regular check-in could save any upset, disciplinary action or even dismissal occurring. Could waiting until the shit hits the fan so to speak, be unfair to the receiver, especially if actions could have been taken earlier to prevent it getting to that stage.

Some benefits of not being too soft could be as rewarding as uncovering skills and hidden talents, not allowing bad habits and feelings to fester and spread, uncovering concerns and problems that can actually benefit the organization if brought into the open. When one is required to be made accountable for actions and expected to step-up, the flow on effect is personal pride and self worth, learning and using new skills, and possibly a stronger bottom line for the organization, hopeful flowing onto the employee.

If you are really nice, giving someone fair and honest feedback early and as required is the nice thing to do, not only for your employee but for your own stress levels and others around you. Can one not be strong, fair and nice?

Coaching Question:

o Have you found yourself taking the” too nice” option in the past to escape confrontation?

o What are you not doing in your life because you are being too nice?

o What are 2 things you are willing to stop putting up with this month?

Resource Reading:

Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott

Quote:

"There is no strength without challenge, adversity, resistance and often pain. Strength comes from our ability to stand up, face resistance and walk through it." Oprah

First Stage of Transition

Change is a constant, and when we realize that is it inevitable, many emotions begin to emerge. Some of these feelings, which are all very natural, can be numbness, fear, anxiety, excitement, apprehension, grief, anger, feeling trapped, relief, uncertainty.

Whether the transition you are experiencing is something you are wanting such as a marriage, new baby, relocation or new job – or one that has been thrust upon you, you may feel overwhelmed or even shocked, unable to see the future clearly. Be aware that this can be a period where you do not think clearly and is best not be make decisions with haste. Also what you are experiencing is very natural and you are not alone.

This is the first stage of transition; it can be called “Discomfort”, “Losing Focus” even “Disbelief or Denial”. It is a good idea to stick with routines that you know work, try not to over commit and take time out for yourself when you need to. It is not the time to add other changes to your life such as weight loss or volunteering for charity work. Take time for yourself and include the things you love to do and find ways to nurture yourself, such as yoga, reading, having fresh flowers around you, listening to music, drinking favorite teas, hitting a golf ball, being with friends, being in nature.

Every transition begins with an ending, and as with all endings you need time to let go of the past.

Coaching questions;

What scares you most about this change?

What does the next level look like?

Clutter

I tend to be a procrastinator. I also know that I am not alone!

I decided this week, to give myself a challenge and put into action something that I have been delaying - Clearing Clutter - one thing that really does get me down, living in clutter – potential chaos even!

When we talk about de-cluttering, people usually start thinking about the most obvious places in need, their desk and work area, the kitchen or wardrobe. There are many areas in our lives which need to be de-cluttered that are not so obvious such as areas in the garden or garage, activities which no longer serve us, newsletters we subscribe to, files on our computer, to-do lists and even people!

So whether it is business or private, Andrew Mellen suggests the following Ground Rules;

1. Everything you own should have value, either because it’s functional or beautiful or you just love it

2. Every item needs a place where it “lives.”

3. Focus on one thing at a time.

As I work through my list one area at a time and change my procrastinating habit, it is amazing how good it feels. I can use the above mentioned grounds rules as a guide to allow a wonderful new space and sense of calmness to emerge, not to mention a great feeling of achievement and joy.

Very important areas we may not think of to de-clutter are our thoughts, for they can cause great anxiety and stress. The secret here is to ask the question “what can and can’t you change?” Maybe the only thing you can change about certain situations is your attitude - for all the worrying we do, things we don’t like still happen.

Ask yourself what overwhelms you? Figure out what you can do to avoid situations like that or keep them from escalating. Have a plan in place for when these situations arise so you are better armed to cope with them.

So here is a challenge for you.

What area of your life have you wanted to de-clutter? Can you put it into action this week? The sense of accomplishment will be well worth the doing.

How was 2010 for you?

Did you achieve all the things that you wanted to? Did you loose that bit of extra weight, take that holiday you’ve been dreaming of, enroll into a coarse that has been on your mind for ages, find better paid employment that you’ve been discussing with others, take up that gym membership or golf lessons, cut back on spending, read the books that have been recommended to you, taken more time to be with friends and family? The list can go on and on!

Is this what you want to be asked again at the end of 2011? Did you achieve all the things that you wanted to? You have the opportunity to change the answers to the questions. What do you want those answers to be?

As a coach I can confirm that there is no better time to get your intentions into action than today. Get a vision of what you want. Make is clear, but not too safe. It is important to stretch yourself. Many things worth achieving are sometimes just outside your comfort zone. When your vision is clear, set your goals. Make yourself accountable by sharing your goals with a friend or colleague or coach. Put processes into place to make your goal achievable, be sure to be realistic on time frames and reward yourself with the progress you make along the way.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do”. Mark Twain

Just For Today

This is too good not to share, so please enjoy the following article by Bonnie Ross-Parke The Connection Diva www.bonnierossparker.com


"Remember the expression, “What a difference a day makes”?
Well, I decided to focus on the possibilities of one day to see
what might happen with the right attitude.

Just for Today I will not tackle all of my “to do list”, but rather,
do what I can and be ok with what I accomplish. Just for Today
I will take the time to read, to expand my awareness on an issue,
or engage in an activity that is enlightening and stretches my
thinking.

Just for Today I will accept whatever comes my way. I know the
universe doesn't always provide what I want, but rather, produces
what ends up serving my best interest. I will accept the actions,
ideas, and behaviors of others by giving them permission to be
who they are.

Just for Today I will implement a plan of action and not fall into the
trap of meeting someone else's expectations or demands on my time.
The operative word today is FOCUS. It is my intention to stay
focused and accomplish the main goal of the day.

Just for Today I will engage in generosity by doing a good deed for
the joy it will bring me without needing or expecting something in
return. I will express gratitude to people regardless of how small their
influence is in the bigger picture of life.

Just for Today I will do things I really don't enjoy doing to strengthen
my character. I will exercise and not complain. I will eat in
moderation knowing that there are people everywhere who are underfed.
I will overlook the inconveniences of life because often life gives us the test
first and the lesson comes later.

Just for Today I will remain untroubled. I will be steadfast in my
commitments, give myself permission to be imperfect, and offer
the world my best self. And when the day is over I will look back
and be grateful that I did what I set out to do, even if it was
Just for Today!"